Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen

Assholes 1 and 2 are at it again, this time with help from a new guy, who we'll call Asshole #4 (fooled you didn't I!) This time they are bothered that the LCD lights on the new 35W bridge displayed rainbow colors on Gay Pride weekend.  In fact, and not surprisingly, they are not at all happy that gay people parade around telling people how proud they are- straight people could never do that!  And don't even get them started on Black History Month (Can you imagine the lawsuits if we tried to have a White History Month?!)  I wasn't going to say anything, but they had such a long conversation about how proud they should be (ironic, huh?) for being willing to speak up and say things no one else had the guts to say.

My post:

Gay pride started because society made them feel like they should be ashamed and they thought they'd have a weekend to remind everyone how silly that was. And we already have White History months. They're called January, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, and December. You guys will not get this, but it is very easy to be a white, straight, American male. We are the Yankees of society. And it may be fun to play the victim card and passive-aggressively say, "I don't care. I just think it's funny, but you know everyone hates me because I'm a white, American male." That's clearly untrue of course, but even if it was, you're still the Yankees. Be humble in your blessings. Which is not only the decent thing to do, it seems to be what Jesus wanted.

Life's a Zoo

 I took my kids to Como Zoo, a free, urban treasure in St. Paul Friday.  Saturday my wife and I took them to the Minnesota Zoo, a so-so, but far-from-free zoo south of The Cities.  I hope this isn’t news to you but zoos are lame as shit.  Now before you fire off an angry letter, I’ll grant you that some aren’t. The San Diego Zoo is top-notch.  So is the zoo in Omaha if I remember correctly.  But, as a whole, they’re pretty stupid, and if you enjoy them, and you’re older than 11, so are you.  If I wanted to watch a lousy animal lazing around and scratching himself, I’d get a big goddamned mirror and stay home.  You may say, “But Tom, these are animals you will never see anywhere else!”   Maybe so. But I have seen similar animals and I have a good imagination. You go to the zoo.  I’ll stay home.

“I saw a Komodo Dragon,” you’ll tell me.

“Okay.”

“It was awesome!”

“What did it look like?”

“Have you ever seen a lizard?”

“Yes.”

“Like that, only bigger.”

I’ll close my eyes.  “Okay, let me think… Yep. Got it.”

“We saw some Gorillas, Orangutans, and Lemurs.”

“I went to Walmart, so, me too.”

“We saw some beautiful tropical fish.”

“I’ve seen fish.”

“But these were colorful.”

I’ll close my eyes. “Okay, let me think of the fish I have seen…now I’ll picture them different colors.  Got it. You’re right, though. They are pretty.”

“We saw a zebra.”

“A horse. With stripes. Got it. Sounds nice.”

And on and on.  Still, I don’t hate going and would take my kids even if I did, of course.  But while they are marveling at flamingos (geese, with hooked bills, long legs and pink feathers. Got it) you will find me people watching, studying how people interact with each other, watching family dynamics, and making mental notes for future blog posts. 

What mental note did I make on these recent trips?  [Idea for blog post] Yes, zoos are a stupid waste of time, but so is life.  You spend time with your family on the Minnesota Trail; if you’re smart you kick around the Tropical Trail a little; you have something to eat; you smile at the people you meet; you step on a few toes; you have a few laughs; and in the end, you get tired and you go home. 

I'm Number One!

I went to bed on Father’s Day Eve knowing I was close. When I woke up on Father’s Day, I learned that I was indeed #1. The World’s Greatest Dad.  Finally. 

I’ve been runner-up to a guy in New Zealand for the past 4 years.  I don’t know if he lost a step or if I gained one but, whatever the case, I have wrestled the title away from his fat fingers and I don’t plan on giving it back any time soon. In fact, I am going to rent a safety deposit box tomorrow so I can safely store the card and button my family presented me during this morning’s awards ceremony.

Now I’m not going to blow false modesty up your ass.  I am a great dad (obviously). But I don’t want you to feel bad either.  I’m sure you do the best you can with the skills you have.  And while it is true that I spent many of the years before I became a dad thinking about what kind of dad I wanted to be (the best), I know that I am fortunate to have been blessed with more skills than you.

My advice, from one great dad to a pretty good one:  Dream big and practice, practice, practice. With a little luck you may be able to knock that New Zealander out of second place!

You're No Fun

A Target Field security guard was recently reprimanded for hassling a lesbian couple that kissed outside a bathroom.  He apparently told them, “Target Field adheres to the Ten Commandments” and “doesn’t allow playing grab ass.”  This got me thinking:  If this guy is going to enforce the Ten Commandments at Target Field, he is going to be busy.

      1-     He’ll need to arrest the guy with the “Liriano is God!” sign.

      2-    He’ll need to confiscate all bobble heads.

      3-    He’ll need to chastise everyone who yells “God damn it!” every time Delmon Young misplays a fly ball.

      4-    He’ll need to punish the Twins for playing on Sunday.

      5-    He’ll need to reprimand all the kids who are talking back to their parents for not buying them a $25 foam glove.

      6-    He’ll need to yell at Jim Thome for murdering a fastball.

      7-    He’ll need to tsk-tsk all the adulterers at the games.

      8-    He’ll need to have a talk with Ben Revere every time he steals second base.

      9-    He’ll need to straighten out any player who protests that an umpire got a call wrong when he knows the call was right.

      10- And finally, he’ll have to give the Twins and their fans a stern talking-to about coveting the Yankees’ payroll.

Oh, and he must have forgotten about the Kiss Cam, which shows couples (and non couples) "playing grab ass" on a 200 foot HD screen.

California Response #7 (Nancy)

From: Nancy (Five hours after calling me retarded she sent another email)

To: Me

"Nearly Me",

I am so glad you thought this email was funny, but I did not. I thought it was not only incredibly immature but rude and condescending. It was a very distasteful joke that I did not appreciate.

"Nancy"

From: Me

To:  Nancy

I gathered.  Also, I am not "Nearly Me".  Just some guy who was included in all these emails by mistake (Hint:  Re-check "Nearly Me's address. I know this because I am not retarded!)  

California Response #6

From:  Male Softball Teammate (who gets it)
To: Me

LOL.


From:  Me
To:  The best damn player on my former team!

Thanks!  You should find a mellower team.

California Response #5

From:  Male Softball Teammate
To:  Me

Is this supposed to be funny?  You should go back to Kindergarten! I feel sorry for you.


From:  Me
To: (Former) Softball Teammate

Not only is it supposed to be funny- it is funny!  I don't want to make you feel bad, but I'm sort of an expert on this type of thing, and this is Humor 101-type stuff.  I'll pass on Kindergarten, but accept your pity.

Thanks!

T. Morgan