Monday, January 2, 2012

The Young and The Younger


My wife and I took our daughter, son and one of our daughter’s friends to The Muppets last night. After the movie, we went out for dinner.  We sat adjacent to a man and woman in their mid-twenties.  From where I was sitting I could look across our table and right at them.  I couldn’t hear them but they were clearly on a date, almost certainly their first:  they ate small bites and used napkins after nearly each one, she nodded as he spoke, each of them smiled often, he tried not to look at her cleavage, she tried not to say, “You look just like Freddie Prinze, Jr.!” and so on.  There were a few uncomfortable pauses but it looked like they were really hitting it off.

Now listen:  I did not spend the entire evening staring at the young lovebirds.  In fact, I would say I was very “present” at our table.  My daughter and her friend sat at one end of the table and colored, talked and giggled.  I looked their way often and smiled every time.  Our son entertained my wife and I by coloring- sometimes even on his paper- and by pointing out the restaurant’s decorations and fixtures.  “Light!”  “Tree!”  “Moon!" (It was a crescent-shaped light.  Close enough.)

I came to see the dating couple as my wife and I- they were the age we were when we began dating/got engaged, which you will recall happened essentially together.  I felt a bit like a wise old man, looking around the dinner table at what he had created.  And I thought if I could have said something to the daters it would have been this:  “Look at our table here; this could be you in ten years.  If you’re insanely lucky.”

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Slut Cabal


“Omigod, Tom, that is SO funny!”

That was my introduction to Jenny, one of the moms in my son’s Early Childhood Family Education class.  Because the kids are so young, the moms—I’ve never been in one of those classes with another dad—and I stay for the entire hour and a half.  We play with the kids for the first half of class and then separate, going to a room across the hall where we drink coffee and, if it’s a good group, vent about our damn kids or, if it’s a bad group, give each other nurturing support and positive reinforcement.  Oh, and there’s a Parent Educator who teaches us stuff we already know.

Back to Jenny and her voice, just the thought of which will now bring me close to tears.  I am unhappy to report that Jenny turned out to be a part of a group of three; three moms who already knew each other well and who all talk and think like Jenny—I call them, “The Slut Cabal”.

Members of The Slut Cabal say things like, “Omigod, Tom, that is SO funny!” instead of laughing.  And they hover over their kids; they are Helicopter Moms.  Granted in ECFE classes parents are supposed to play with their kids.  We’re supposed to get involved in all the activities and ask them over and over, “Did you put the red ball in the red square? Good job!”  But only assholes actually do that.  The rest of us are there for the break.  We do all that shit at home, we don’t need to do it at school too.  The one place I can take my kid and he’ll somewhat leave me alone and I’m supposed to talk to him like a Sesame Street character?  Thanks, I’ll pass.  But I’m not such a curmudgeon that I put someone in a slut cabal just for playing with her kid.  Members of The Slut Cabal don’t just play with their kids--they go apeshit every time their kids do anything.  Do you get me? 

“Ooh, oh, good job, oh, oops. Good job!”  This when her daughter took a cracker at snack time.  It looked like the girl was going to grab this one but she grabbed that one instead.  And her mom was so surprised!  She even clapped when at last her daughter had chosen a cracker.  I wish I were kidding.  Can you imagine how happy mom was when her daughter successfully negotiated the 18 inch-high slide?  You’re going to have to because telling you is more than I can bear.

As I wrote earlier, we parents separate from the class and go to a different room for Parent Education.  We ease into this separation because it’s hard on most of the kids.  Before we leave the first time we take the kids to our parent room and tell them that’s where we’ll be and that we’ll come right back.  And the first couple times we separate we don’t stay away too long, gradually increasing the time to the current 45 minutes.  A teacher and a teacher’s aide stay behind with the kids and the bona fide Parent Educator leaves with us.  For this to work, we are told, we must all leave together.  We’ll go and hug our kids and tell them we’re leaving and then turn and go.  Some of the kids will cry but they are in good hands.  No decent parent wants to hear his/her kid cry but sometimes you just have to let your kid work things out on his/her own.  And besides you owe it to all the other parents to leave with them.  If one parent stays (Say, for example, a member of The Slut Cabal), or goes running back to her crying kid, all the kids get confused.  And those whose parents left get (rightfully) pissed. Now, because one mom couldn’t leave her kid, all the kids are freaking out and the teachers are in the middle of a low-grade hurricane.  Before this year, I’ve never seen a mom who went running back.  Then again, this is my first year with The Slut Cabal.

If you know me at all, you know what I think of the Parent Education segment of ECFE.  It’s basically a meeting.  And as you know I’ve never once been to a meeting that needed to be held.  But the Parent Educator puts on a good show; she has handouts, and topics for discussion.  She teaches us about moods and discipline and all sorts of happy horseshit.  And guess who giggles and talks amongst themselves much of the time?  The Slut Cabal!  Holy hell is that one of my pet peeves!  I don’t care if the class is interesting, if you’re learning anything.  For the love of all that is decent, if you are in a classroom and someone is leading a class of some sort, shut the hell up!  Don’t snicker and snort like a twelve year-old girl who just got passed a note checked, “yes.”  Jesus H. Christ! 

This is my story and I can end it however I want to.  But I suppose I’ll be honest and tell it like it is:  The Slut Cabal has been mellowing out.  Or maybe I am.  I think it’s them, though, because I haven’t had to pass a note in class for at least a month.  Yes, this is less than ideal for the writer in me, who has them to thank for this post at least.  But it is keeping all of me out of prison for murder, so that’s something.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Tim and June: A Terribly Great Love Story!


His eyes moistened like wet towelettes as she rushed through the gate, down the breezeway, and onto the great steel bird.  His heart flipped in his throat, which itself ached, like the rest of his body, which longed, nay yearned, for her return.  She was glorious; she was gone. 

The first time Tim saw June he was smitten.  He was in line at Starbucks when he saw her, the barista behind the counter.  The person in front of the women in front of him ordered one of those absurd drinks everyone makes fun of:  a half caf, triple sau cow, skim, mocha latte or some damn thing.  Tim immediately went about hating the orderer of the drink, naturally, but was amazed when June tore into the task of making it without hesitation. The sunlight streaked through the window like a frat guy at a halftime show and made little angels appear in June’s blonde hair as she worked. She breezed through the crazy lady’s drink, made the woman in front of him her Christian latte and there he was…in the front of the line, facing June and her hair angels. 

She looked up at him and spoke, “Can I…uh, hi, can I, umm…” she was speechless in front of him.  ‘Twas love at first sight for her and love at first hearing for him, for as soon as she spoke, Tim heard not her voice but a world-class choir singing a beautiful song, and fell madly in love.

“You may,” Tim said in order to break the uncomfortable silence.
“Oh, ha ha! I’m sorry!” June giggled.
“No problem.  I think you’re quite attractive.”
“Oh? Oh! That’s great! Would you like to get a soda sometime? I hate coffee.” June asked.
“I imagine so. Yeah, uh, yes that would be great. When?” Tim responded.
“How about now?  I hate this job anyway.” And June untied her apron giving Tim no way to say no.
“Sure,” is what he said.

And so the pair of soon-to-be lovebirds headed off west, into the sunset, towards the soda fountain.  In so doing, Tim realized the symbolism of walking into the sunset and understood that most of the time when people did that in books and movies it was implied that they were going to spend the rest of their days happily together; he hoped that would be the case with June and him.

The soda fountain was as busy as a bee in a bonnet so they went to a water fountain instead.  Tim looked at June’s angel hair and listened to her world-class choir voice and fell more and more in love.  He was never all that interested in sex but June was making his pants tight. 

“Are your pants tight or are you happy to see me?” June asked, breaking him out of his deep thoughts. 
“This is exactly the kind of thing that normally embarrasses me,” Tim thought, “yet I am not now embarrassed at all! This is the woman for me.”  
“Not only am I happy to see you and your angel hair I’m happy to hear you world-class choir voice.  I’m not a big sex guy but I’d love to have intercourse with you.”

June’s face blushed and her nipples poked through her shirt. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.  You are as sweet as sweetened iced tea!  Shall we blow this pop, or water as it were, stand?”
“Yes!”

Because Tim was gay, his apartment was extremely clean and organized.  He could see that June was impressed by his decorating style and wondered if the carpet matched the drapes in her house.  June took off her clothes and for the second time in his life Tim questioned whether he really was gay (the first being the time he’d had sex with a man and hated every second of it.)

Their lovemaking was awkward and very sweaty.  Before he’d even touched her girlie bits, Tim regretted not taking off his sweater and wool socks but he couldn’t think of a gentlemanly way of taking them off once the action started.  But it ended satisfactorily for both of them and, Tim reminded himself, that is what counts.  Indeed, they gazed smilingly into each other’s eyes the rest of the night.

The next few months swept by like dust on the Oklahoma prairie.  Tim lost himself in June’s wrapping embrace.  They went to the zoo, to movies; they walked on the beach, on asphalt, on grass and walking paths in parks; they fed ducks and other small animals at a farm where dating couple do such things. And they tossed their heads back and laughed through it all.  However, there was something happening underneath all the laughing, in the groin area, which was not well.

Lovemaking had become a chore for Tim and he suspected it was becoming something worse for June—a task, say.  They would have fun all day but when they got home and crawled into bed, for they were co-habitating now, there were no sparks. In other words, when the time came, no one came.


“There is trouble in paradise,” Tim told a co-worker one day.

“Another tsunami?  A hurricane?   Volcano?” Will replied.

“No, I mean between June and I,” Tim answered.

“Oh, right.  Because she’s a woman.  I mean, because she’s a woman?”

“Yeah, you can’t live with them and you can’t shoot them, right?” Tim said absently.

“That’s not what I meant.  I mean, I love women. But… Never mind.  What’s the trouble?”

“There’s no spark anymore.  I’d even say I love her.  But there’s no romantic spark.  Last night I walked in on her changing.  She was facing away from me and bending over a little and something stirred in me.  But then she turned around and it was gone.”

“I, uh, let’s see.  I don’t, I mean, have you ever, um, gone out with a man?”

“You think I’m gay?” Tim shouted, “I am not!”

“To be honest, I’m trying not to think anything.  I just think we should consider all possibilities.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”



After all possibilities had been explored, it became clear that Tim was gay.  He told June on a Friday and she was gone on a Monday (not that first Monday but the one a week and a few days later- it took her, like, 9 days to pack and make arrangements, etc.) She got on that great steel bird and headed west, to California, West Hollywood or San Francisco perhaps, to find herself a real man.






Sunday, November 20, 2011

Tim and June, Part 2


The soda fountain was as busy as a bee in a bonnet so they went to a water fountain instead.  Tim looked at June’s angel hair and listened to her world-class choir voice and fell more and more in love.  He was never all that interested in sex but June was making his pants tight. 

“Are your pants tight or are you happy to see me?” June asked, breaking him out of his deep thoughts. 
“This is exactly the kind of thing that normally embarrasses me,” Tim thought, “yet I am not now embarrassed at all! This is the woman for me.”  
“Not only am I happy to see you and your angel hair I’m happy to hear you world-class choir voice.  I’m not a big sex guy but I’d love to have intercourse with you.”
June’s face blushed and her nipples poked through her shirt. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.  You are as sweet as sweetened iced tea!  Shall we blow this pop, or water as it were, stand?”
“Yes!”
Because Tim was gay, his apartment was extremely clean and organized.  He could see that June was impressed by his decorating style and wondered if the carpet matched the drapes in her house.  June took off her clothes and for the second time in his life Tim questioned whether he really was gay (the first being the time he’d had sex with a man and hated every second of it.)

Their lovemaking was awkward and very sweaty.  Before he’d even touched her girlie bits, Tim regretted not taking off his sweater and wool socks but he couldn’t think of a gentlemanly way of taking them off once the action started.  But it ended satisfactorily for both of them and, Tim reminded himself, that is what counts.  Indeed the gazed into each other’s eyes the rest of the night and neither could stop smiling.





Thursday, November 17, 2011

Tim and June, Part 1


Auth. note:  Because you probably know I just got out of the hospital today I'm going to say this:  Yes, I was under the influence of powerful painkillers when I wrote this. But it is supposed to be bad! OK? I'm in on the joke.

His eyes moistened like wet towelettes as she rushed through the gate, down the breezeway, and onto the great steel bird.  His heart flipped in his throat, which itself ached, like the rest of his body, which longed, nay yearned, for her return.  She was glorious; she was gone. 

The first time Tim saw June he was smitten.  He was in line at Starbucks when he saw her, the barista behind the counter.  The person in front of the women in front of him ordered one of those absurd drinks everyone makes fun of:  a half caf, triple sau cow, skim, mocha latte or some damn thing.  Tim immediately went about hating the orderer of the drink, naturally, but was amazed when June tore into the task of making it without hesitation. The sunlight streaked through the window like a frat guy at a halftime show and made little angels appear in June’s blonde hair as she worked. She breezed through the crazy lady’s drink, made the woman in front of him her Christian latte and there he was…in the front of the line, facing June and her hair angels. 

She looked up at him and spoke, “Can I…uh, hi, can I, umm…” she was speechless in front of him.  ‘Twas love at first sight for her and love at first hearing for him, for as soon as she spoke, Tim heard not her voice but a world-class choir singing a beautiful song, and fell madly in love.

“You may,” Tim said in order to break the uncomfortable silence.
“Oh, ha ha! I’m sorry!” June giggled.
“No problem.  I think you’re quite attractive.”
“Oh? Oh! That’s great! Would you like to get a soda sometime? I hate coffee.” June asked.
“I imagine so. Yeah, uh, yes that would be great. When?” Tim responded.
“How about now?  I hate this job anyway.” And June untied her apron giving Tim no way to say no.
“Sure,” is what he said.

And so the pair of soon-to-be lovebirds headed off west, into the sunset, towards the soda fountain.  In so doing, Tim realized the symbolism of walking into the sunset and understood that most of the time when people did that in books and movies it was implied that they were going to spend the rest of their days happily together; he hoped that would be the case with June and him.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

California Dreamin'


Vinny, Fugwuh and I shared an apartment our first two years of college.  Actually, Vinny and I lived there two years.  Fugwuh left after a year to go live with a cousin in Seattle because, why not?  It was a bold move considering he didn’t really know the cousin too well; just called him up and went for a visit and the next thing you knew he was moving.  I greatly admired him for it. 

Our apartment was much nicer than what we should have been able to afford on our budget.  We only added it to our list of possible abodes as a lark, assuming it would be out of our price range.  The building was less than five years old when we moved in; our two-bedroom unit was plenty big and in great condition.  In fact, we almost didn’t get the apartment.  When the manager learned that we were three young guys, she was hesitant to rent it to us.  Because of Fugwuh’s aforementioned boldness, he called and pestered her several times.  She eventually agreed to rent to us and the first year went swimmingly.  When Vinny and I went to the office to sign our second year’s lease, she confided to us that she had been worried.  “Three young guys living together can be trouble. But not you boys!  You’ve been model tenants.”

She was a single woman in her forties and the “office” was her apartment.  I couldn’t believe how much stuff could fit into an apartment.  In our living room we had a couch, two end tables (which were two stacked cases of empty beer bottles) desk, T.V. stand, T.V., Sega Genesis, VCR, and a stereo.  Oh, and a dying plant.  The manager’s apartment looked like a home.  She had nice furniture and had paintings on the walls.  There were plants everywhere.   An aquarium covered most of a dividing wall.  And she had air fresheners somewhere that made the place smell nice.  Looking around, I was sure that she had food in a cupboard or two and I guessed she had more than a few ketchup packets and beer in her refrigerator.  Yes, this woman had her shit together. 

I didn’t feel like a model tenant and wondered if she had us confused with someone else. “What makes us model tenants?” I asked.

“I haven’t heard a peep from you.  I’ve never seen a bunch of drunk kids out on your deck.  And not one complaint from a neighbor! Not one. And you always pay your rent on time.”

All of that was true.  We’re not lunatics.  And though we drank enough beer and vodka to make a Packer fan proud, we never felt the need to run around the complex naked.  We played video games and got drunk.  Still, I was surprised that that was model tenant material. “That’s a pretty low bar.  Wouldn’t a model tenant be volunteering to pick up cigarette butts in the parking lot or something?”  Aren’t we supposed to be quiet and pay the rent on time?

“Yes. But not many people manage to do both.” 


California moved in a month or two after we did.   I don’t know if he paid his rent on time.  I do know that we didn’t here a peep from him. Until we did.  I think he lived across the hall from us for a month before we saw him.  Then, one evening when I came home from work, Vinny told me he caught a glimpse.  “Well, I saw the neighbor today.  Fuckin’ California dude in his twenties.  Dyed blonde hair.  He drives that Mitsubishi with the sunroof.  I followed him in today and saw inside when he opened his door.  All black furniture with white pillows and shit. Plants all over the damn place.”

“Fucking awesome!” I said.  We loved Assholes even then, probably especially then actually.  We Bulls could spend an evening of high-hilarity making fun of douches.  Luckily when you’re an 18 year-old college student, you’re never very far away from someone worthy of your scorn.  And now I learned that we were right across the hall from one!  Fake Blonde! Trendy black furniture! A Mitsubishi! House plants!

My gay-dar is weak.  I just don’t think much about sexuality.  Unless a man asks if he can put his penis in my butt, I pretty much just assume he’s heterosexual.  Or rather I don’t think about where he enjoys putting his penis at all.  No doubt if my gay-dar was stronger, it would have pinged like the Red October whenever California was near.  And it would have been wrong.

One evening Spot and I were headed down to McDonald’s for a late supper, on foot because we were too drunk to drive.  As soon as we stepped out the door and into the parking lot I heard it:  a woman screamed in sexual ecstasy. 

“Whoa! You heard that right, Spot?”

“Ah, yeah.”

It was a nice summer evening and most of the apartment windows were open. We stopped to listen. It didn’t take long to zero in on the window from which all manner of grunting and screaming was pouring out.  It was a second floor window. We went and stood right beneath it, obviously, and enjoyed the show.  Yes, that was definitely California’s apartment.  I added the sound he makes during sex to my “things I know about California” file.  I also added the sound at least one woman makes while having sex with him to the same file.  I have to admit that that bit of info didn’t make me like him any more.  I had certainly never made a woman sound like that. And because he was a dipshit I couldn’t bring myself to respect even this about him. 

Spot and I moved on after a minute of standing and listening.  We walked the mile to McDonald’s picked up supper and walked back home.  A beautiful woman with tussled hair and an odd look on her face hurried down the stairs as we were walking up.  She had to be the screamer; she certainly looked like she had been given a pretty good rogering very recently.  We were excited to share the news with Vinny.

“So California just fucked the hell out of some hottie and we heard a fair amount of it from the parking lot!”  I told him.

“Interesting,” he replied, his voice trailing off.  “I heard her leave just now.  They were yelling at each other.   She told him not to call and slammed the door when she left.”

That pissed me off.  I hate it when men treat women like shit.  “What a dick!  Maybe she wouldn’t scream in my bed but she sure as hell wouldn’t slam the door when she left. Not that she’d even leave if you catch my drift.”



Our apartment complex consisted of two long three-story buildings.  The buildings were perpendicular to each other and formed an “L”.  The parking lots for each were on the outside of the “L” and the inside was a large lawn. The street was across the lawn from the bottom section of the “L” and boxed in the yard.  We lived in the vertical section of the “L” so our parking lot was accessible from the street. There was a long driveway from the road to the other building’s parking lot. So the view from our apartment was the yard, on the right side of which was the backside of the other building and across of which was the driveway to that building’s parking lot. 

One winter day there was a blizzard.  Neither Vinny nor I went to classes that day because of the storm but I did have to work that evening.  It was a dicey drive in to work in the afternoon and an even more dicey drive home. But that is what we Minnesotans must sometimes do in the winter.  I passed many cars in the ditch but luckily made it to the edge of home-- where I discovered that the parking lot hadn’t been plowed.  I shoveled a bit of a path- yes; smart Minnesotans keep a shovel in the trunk- and gave it hell. I managed to slip, slide and burrow into something that could pass for a parking spot. 

I trudged across the parking lot, kicked aside enough snow to open the door, and walked into our apartment where I found Vinny laying on the couch, like a bastard, watching T.V.  Usually when I came home Vinny would nod or something equally unexciting.  He certainly never moved.  Today he sat up and I could see by the look on his face that he was thrilled about something.

“You’ve gotta look over at the driveway,” he said with a smile.

“Ok.” I answered suspiciously, “What’s going on?”

“Just look.”

I walked to the patio door and looked across the lawn to the driveway.  I saw a car, clearly stuck, about 10 feet into the driveway from the road.  It was dark but the car’s headlights were on and I could just make out that someone was in front of the car and looked to be shoveling. 

“Someone’s stuck?” I asked Vinny.  That didn’t surprise me.  Granted it was a bit odd that someone had tried to make it down the long driveway rather than parking in our parking lot, which was right off the street. But if they lived in that building it didn’t seem as ridiculous a notion as Vinny seemed to want me to believe.

“Not just ‘someone’, that’s California! And he’s been there for at least 3 hours!”

“California?!  What the hell is he doing over there?”

“Shoveling.”

“But, why is he in the driveway?”

“No idea.  The driveway was sort of plowed earlier so maybe he liked the looks of it better.  He got stuck about 5 feet in.  And for whatever reason he decided it would be best to shovel his way 100 feet forward than just back out and try it over here.  God, it’s been a great night!  He even walked over here for a shovel. And didn’t change out of his work clothes.”  Vinny shook his head, still smiling.

We watched California shovel, pull ahead, get stuck, shovel, repeat for at least an hour.  Finally I said, “Vin, we must be wrong about people sometimes.  Clearly not everyone we mock deserves it.  But we’ve been much too easy on this one.”

Time has tempered my moral superiority. But I promise you this:  California is out there right now, acting like a douche.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

We Will Survive


“Survivor” shows are all the rage these days. We have Survivorman, Man vs. Wild, I Shouldn’t be Alive, Dual Survival, and Man, Woman, Wild to name a few.  And I’m proud to announce that Quadruple Survivor People vs. Themselves and Some Nature will premier next fall on Discovery.  It is the tale of my family and I as we take on the worst we have to offer each other.  Here is a bit of what you can expect:

Episode 1:  Mall of America

In this episode we are dropped in the middle of the Mall on the day after Thanksgiving.  We have no cell phones, no extra diapers, an umbrella stroller with a wobbly wheel, and one bottle of water. The producers give us (5) one dollar bills and keys to a minivan, which they tell us is parked somewhere in one of the Mall parking lots.  We have 12 hours to get to the van and drive to the nearest Red Lobster, which is 6 miles away.

Episode 2:  Olive Garden

The producers have us seated at a four-top table and do not give us a highchair- so no seat belts.  They place the menus, silverware, creamers, and sugar packets on the table in front of the toddler and tell us that none of those things can be moved or removed by anyone but him.  Elderly men trying to have a quiet reunion surround us on all sides.  The producers order for us:  spaghetti for the toddler, red wine and Chicken Parmesan for my wife, Beef Tortellini for my 5 year-old daughter, and a vegetarian dish for me. Half way through the meal, one of the producers comes to our table and tells our daughter that the dessert she had been promised is no longer available.  Everyone else will get his or hers, though, and there is no sharing.  It is raining when we leave.  They lock the doors behind us and when I reach into my pocket for the car keys, I discover that someone has stolen them.  What will we do next?

Episode 3:  Disney World on New Year’s Eve

The producers wake me up at 5 a.m. on the morning of this shoot and make me eat 10 White Castle cheeseburgers and drink a pot of coffee. Then they make me eat 5 Activia yogurts in the car on the way there. They take the toddler’s shoes and put a pebble in my daughter’s. They make my wife wear heals.  We get to the park when it opens and cannot leave until the fireworks show is over.  They tell Princess Jasmine to ignore me. At 4 in the afternoon, Mickey runs up to the toddler and kicks him in the shin.  Mickey then goes up to my daughter, gives her a hug, and says through a megaphone, “Hey boys and girls!  Look at this girl! She wants to give each one of you a hug!”

Episode 4:  Church

We go to church.

Episode 5:  Road trip

The task in this episode is to drive from St. Paul to Seattle in a 1997 Ford Escort with no stereo and no air conditioning over the Fourth of July weekend.  The producers rig the car so that a tire goes flat the first afternoon.  We’ll have to drive the rest of the way with the donut spare. There are a few Challenges in this episode:  I have to stop in a small Montana town, go into the diner and yell Obama in 2012; we must stop in another town where my wife must pick a woman at random and convince her that Obama was born in Hawaii; we have to drive though Salt Lake City with a “Legalize Same-Sex Marriage!” bumper sticker; and finally, when we get to Seattle we are required to yell, “Grunge sucks and so do electric cars you Kenyan worshipping hippies! Long live the NRA!”  Will we make it?

Episode 6:  Camping 

We spend a beautiful autumn weekend at a scenic campground in northern Minnesota. We have a great tent; nice sleeping bags; plenty of food, water and alcohol.  The catch:  My wife sees a mosquito on Friday.  Will she be able to go on?

Episode 7:  Camping Again

This episode finds us camping in Alaska. Same situation as above except this time a mosquito flies into my forehead at full speed and knocks me unconscious.  What will my family do without me?

Season Finale:  The Blizzard

A blizzard hits Friday night/Saturday morning knocking out our power and making our road impassable.  Power isn’t restored until Sunday evening, after I’ve missed the football game.  All we have all weekend is a deck of cards, candles and each other.  WTF?!