Sunday, June 13, 2010

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick

I'll write more about the "Bulls" soon. In the meantime... some humor. (I hope)

Naming a penis is not a job that should be taken lightly. Sure, you can go with the obvious: "Snake", "The Pipe Cleaner", or "Junior", for example. I'll admit that I am sort of fond of "The Kickstand" and "Third Leg". But with a little thought, one can do better, and make the name more personal. A movie buff could go with, "Yul Brynner" or "Kojak", to name a couple. And a fisherman could take, "The Trolling Lure". To wit: "When I go out, I just toss out the ol' Trolling Lure and see what I catch." (syphilis, probably). And don't be ashamed about naming your penis. Presidents do it for god's sake! Not a lot of people know this, but Teddy Roosevelt's quote was actually, "...speak softly and carry 'A Big Stick'." It was not about foreign policy, as is commonly believed. Rather, he was responding to the question, "Mr. President, what would you do if, while attending an opera, you needed to use the bathroom?" He replied, "I would speak softly and carry 'A Big Stick'." There was a follow-up question: "Why would you carry a big stick, sir?" History has largely forgotten his answer, because no one understood it at the time. He said, "So it didn't get stepped on."

Don't worry. I'm not going to be shy. I will tell you that I am considering re-naming my penis, "The Truth." (I used to call it the "Hollywood Pistol" because, while it looks real, it shoots blanks.) Why "The Truth?" Because if I ever get arrested for public nudity (which is only a matter of time) I can tell the judge, "Your honor, I was simply trying to bring 'The Truth' to light." And then there is this: While I hate lying, I will, now and then, massage the truth.


  1. Tom, I am stifling my laugh b/c one of my 3 year olds is sitting with me. And you know 3 year olds. "Why are you laughing?" she'll say. And then what will I say?

    The truth?

  2. What about "the Truth is hard to swallow sometimes"?

  3. OMG I just ranted last night about naming penises! How about, "You can't handle The Truth!"