Wrap That Thing Up

It's -20 something degrees Fahrenheit outside this morning. That got me thinking about Eskimos, naturally; Eskimo sex, to be more specific. There is no way baby Eskimos are conceived in the winter. Think about it: Poor male Eskimos must have to wear five condoms just to prevent frostbite.

Civil Unions

I heard a strange sentence today. It was, "Homosexuals should be in civil unions." I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be great if all of our unions were civil?"

On Greatness

Today I have been thinking about Martin Luther King, Jr., of course, and Abraham Lincoln.  And really this could probably be said about all people who accomplish great deeds:  To attain greatness, they must very often act contradictorily to public opinion. They must struggle on, remaining faithful to the belief that they are right and damn near everyone else is wrong. History tends to forget that. We all love to think that we’d have been on their side. The reality is that many of us would have been the small-minded dolts that litter history, fighting greatness every step of the way. It feels like we are now living in an important time.  Please choose sides wisely. 

Thought of the Day, part II

I've got your "winter of discontent" right here, Willy.

Thought of the Day

"I'm dreaming of a white Chris..."

"Oh shut the hell up, Bing."

Snow End in Sight

January 14, 2011

From: News Director

To:  On-air talent

Re:  Snow

Importance:  High

Most of you have been doing a great job of showering the word “snow” throughout our newscasts this record-setting season. While this does please me, I know that we can do better.  Actually, I have been somewhat disappointed in the few puns I’ve heard.  In case you are struggling to come up with them, here are some suggestions:

“SnowMG! Who’ll stop the snow?”

“I’ve stands all I can stand and I can’t stand snow more!”

“Snowrricane Jack Frost…”

“Snow really? More snow, uh?”

“Bo snows winter.”

Weather man- “For all I snow, the snow will never stop!”

“Stay tuned, folks, much more snow after these messages.”

“There’s snow business like snow business.”

“Will someone please put up the snow trespassing sign?”

“Snow shirt, snow shoes, snow service.”

“I am snow over this.”

“Snowbody snows the trouble I’ve seen.”

“Today it was, ‘Snow parking. All violators will be snowed,’ on the city’s east-west streets. ”

“The Director of the Transportation Department missed a public forum this afternoon because even he had to drive a plow. Yes, you could say he was a real Snow-where Man today. Which is to say, he was a Snow-show.”

“Shall we talk about the weather?”  “There is snow time like the present.”

“The Purina Dog Show went on as planned today.  I guess the winner was crowned Best in Snow.”

“Snow, snow, snow your car, gently down the road if you want to prevent a fender bender tonight.”

You are all professionals, so it should go without saying, but please remember to pause and smile after saying the word “snow” if you use one of the puns above. This will ensure that our viewers know we are being clever.

Thanks,

Ken

Watch and Learn, Boys

Usually my daughter’s dance class is a family affair. The four of us drive to town, attend her class and then go out for dinner. Tonight, because of the day I had, I sat out the class part of the family date; they dropped me off at a coffee shop.  I had half of the store to myself.  On the other side of the fireplace two guys who looked to be in their late 20’s sat in overstuffed chairs and talked about last weekend. My first impression of them was not kind. They looked like douche bags to be perfectly honest with you.  By the time I left I had warmed up to them though. Yes they were young-ish partiers, and they considered chasing women a sport, but they were philosophical about the game. My warmer feelings were a result of my belief that these weren’t the kinds of guys who took advantage of anyone; every woman they met must know that she was a player in a game.  And as I listened to them talk about their lack of success last weekend I thought about how little I wanted to be them. Check this out:  No doubt they are good at what they do but, even considering their obvious charm and good looks, they must work their asses off to go to bed with a beautiful woman. And all I have to do is wink.