Monday, November 22, 2010

Dear Smitty

Dear Smitty,

I am a bored stay-at-home mom and I'd like to make more friends. Top of my list is finding a gay husband. My cousin has one, but she met hers in eating disorder treatment. I don't want one with quite that much baggage.

Do you have any ideas where a mom from the conservative 'burbs could go to meet prospects?


Dear Anonymous,

I’m assuming you need a gay husband because straight men cannot be trusted around you. You must be hot. Next time send a picture with your letter.

I don’t have much experience finding gay men, but I’ve always been under the impression that they walk among us. So, I guess my advice would be to keep your eyes out for someone wearing green on Thursday (when I was in Junior High this was said to be a sure sign that one was gay).  You might also try a Bette Midler concert.


Dear Smitty,

Last Wednesday started off rough. My kids fought everything I tried to do. We needed to get to preschool early so that I could make it to a dentist appointment. On our way to the car we discovered a dead mouse on the garage floor. It took me about 10 minutes to explain to my daughter what it was and why it was where it was and why I was using a plastic bag to throw a sleeping mouse into the garbage. We ended up being a bit late dropping my daughter off at preschool and so I was a little late for my appointment. The hygienist made up the lost time by power-scraping my teeth, which caused them (not my gums) to bleed. Then, I had to fly from there to the doctor to have what I thought might be a bladder infection checked.  That’s when the fun really started.  The doctor said that men rarely get bladder infections, and that it was far more likely that my prostate was infected and swollen. I only vaguely knew what a prostate was; based on T.V. ads, I knew when I got older that I could expect trouble.  Well, I guess I’m older.

“It sounds like a prostate infection. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to do a rectal exam.”


“Yes. We’ll do a urine analysis, too, but I expect it to be clear- your bladder is most likely fine. We need to do a rectal exam in order to feel if your prostate is swollen. I’m sorry.”

“Me, too.”

But he did not seem sorry. I can’t be sure, because I couldn’t see through my tears, but I think he shoved his whole arm up my ass. He claimed that he could feel that my prostate was swollen, but I think what he felt was one of my lungs.  He gave me an antibiotic, and that seems to be helping, but I have an overwhelming urge to sue him anyway. Do you think I should?


I’ll Never Be The Same.

Dear I’ll Never Be The Same,

I’ve taken several pre-law courses (actually the same one several times) and I promise that you don’t have a case. This is especially true because it sounds like your doctor took no joy in the exam either. I bet he truly was sorry. It would be easy to make a gay joke here, but I am not going to. I think it’s safe to say that that is as unsexy a situation as you will find- a gay doctor would not enjoy it either, I’m sure. You didn’t say, so I have to guess that your symptom was a burning sensation while urinating. I want to offer you my congratulations… when that happens to me, the last thing I think of is a bladder infection. In fact, depending on the type of burning, I can usually figure out myself which STD is flaring up.

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