Dear Parents: Please talk to your kids about sex. It's a complicated subject and they need to hear about it from you first.
Dear Mom: Please do NOT talk to me about sex. I know enough to get by now, and the rest I'll pick up on my own.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Successories
The Successories poster I would like to see:
(The picture would be of someone standing by a campfire, looking down at it with a content smile.)
Text:
Take this poster out back and throw darts at it. Then get yourself a shotgun, load it, and shoot this poster (be sure you are aware of applicable laws in your area regarding the carrying and discharge of firearms.). Next I would like you to find some dog shit. Ready? Okay. Just rub it all over the poster. (Check to make sure that this is legal. I think it is, though. And don't forget to wear gloves for god's sake!) Now the fun part. Take the poster down and burn it (check with your Fire Marshall). If you need a Successories poster, then the poster is not going to help. Many of us have jobs that we will never be motivated by, and that, luckily, we do not need a great deal of motivation to do. Either find different work, or accept that whatever you are are doing now will not give you fulfillment and find a hobby that does.
(The picture would be of someone standing by a campfire, looking down at it with a content smile.)
Text:
Take this poster out back and throw darts at it. Then get yourself a shotgun, load it, and shoot this poster (be sure you are aware of applicable laws in your area regarding the carrying and discharge of firearms.). Next I would like you to find some dog shit. Ready? Okay. Just rub it all over the poster. (Check to make sure that this is legal. I think it is, though. And don't forget to wear gloves for god's sake!) Now the fun part. Take the poster down and burn it (check with your Fire Marshall). If you need a Successories poster, then the poster is not going to help. Many of us have jobs that we will never be motivated by, and that, luckily, we do not need a great deal of motivation to do. Either find different work, or accept that whatever you are are doing now will not give you fulfillment and find a hobby that does.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
My Dream Nightmare Interview
"Hi, Tom. Thanks for coming in today."
"You're welcome."
"Is is still raining out there?"
"Yes."
"Oh, man! I hope it stops soon. I'm in a golf league; supposed to play tonight."
"I don't give a shit."
"Do you golf?"
"You don't give a shit."
"Alright. Let's get started. Tell me what brings you in today."
"Well I need a job. Got bills to pay and I need health insurance. I looked through the paper and circled 15 ads that looked like they might not suck too bad. I don't know what my dream job is, but none of those was it. Still, I live in the real world and I know I've gotta work. Anyway, out of those 15, 10 didn't even call me back and I decided I was not desperate enough to do the other 4, so here I am."
"Great! What would you bring to this job? What are Tom Morgan's strengths?"
"First of all, I don't talk like a dipshit. That's number 1. Also, I don't take myself too seriously, which means that the next time you come up with a policy meant to bleed more blood from the turnips, I will be able to help you. You won't even know you need the help, because you'll think that the meeting in which you told the employees about the new policy was a success. You'll probably think that they bought what you were selling. You'll think that you had an answer for everything, that they really believed you were listening when you asked for suggestions and feedback and that your euphemisms fooled your employees into thinking this new policy was going to help them. But they will know the truth. Most of them don't say anything in meetings because they long ago learned it doesn't matter. But when they go back to their desks, they're going to be pretty pissed. Morale will be low and productivity down. That's when I'll remind them that this is just a stupid goddamn job and that we should just come in, do what we need to do to get through the day, and go home. Ironically, morale will go up and so will productivity. You may even get a raise!"
"Great!. Can you tell me what you think you biggest weakness is?"
"Yes."
"Okay.."
"Okay."
"Well what is it? Your greatest weakness."
"I would say my ability to swallow my pride and do a job like the one I'm interviewing for now. I wish I was more tenacious about following my dreams, but, alas, here I am."
"Right. Can you tell me about a workplace conflict you've had in the past and how you dealt with it?
"Yes."
"Okay..."
"Okay."
"Please tell me."
"Well, the guy in the cube next to me drove me fucking crazy. He made strange noises. He smelled. And he said the same thing to every person he talked to on the phone. I heard the same stories over and over, every day. So, whenever he wasn't around, I talked about him with my co-workers. We absolutely destroyed him, behind his back of course. That helped a lot. Sometimes we would e-mail each other jokes about him while he was sitting right there. Then we would all laugh and, when he would ask what we were laughing about, we'd make up something stupid. Then, because he didn't want to be left out, he would laugh, too! Then we'd all laugh harder! God that was great! And it did help deal with him; made him less annoying."
"Good. Tell me about a workplace conflict that you didn't handle well?"
"Boy. I, uh. Yeah, you got me there. I can't think of any."
"Fine. Where do you see yourself in five years?"
"Well, I had my last job for five years, so if I had to guess, I'd say I'll be interviewing for another job five years from now."
"Fair enough. Well, thanks for coming in, Tom. We'll be in touch real soon, okay?"
"Great."
"You're welcome."
"Is is still raining out there?"
"Yes."
"Oh, man! I hope it stops soon. I'm in a golf league; supposed to play tonight."
"I don't give a shit."
"Do you golf?"
"You don't give a shit."
"Alright. Let's get started. Tell me what brings you in today."
"Well I need a job. Got bills to pay and I need health insurance. I looked through the paper and circled 15 ads that looked like they might not suck too bad. I don't know what my dream job is, but none of those was it. Still, I live in the real world and I know I've gotta work. Anyway, out of those 15, 10 didn't even call me back and I decided I was not desperate enough to do the other 4, so here I am."
"Great! What would you bring to this job? What are Tom Morgan's strengths?"
"First of all, I don't talk like a dipshit. That's number 1. Also, I don't take myself too seriously, which means that the next time you come up with a policy meant to bleed more blood from the turnips, I will be able to help you. You won't even know you need the help, because you'll think that the meeting in which you told the employees about the new policy was a success. You'll probably think that they bought what you were selling. You'll think that you had an answer for everything, that they really believed you were listening when you asked for suggestions and feedback and that your euphemisms fooled your employees into thinking this new policy was going to help them. But they will know the truth. Most of them don't say anything in meetings because they long ago learned it doesn't matter. But when they go back to their desks, they're going to be pretty pissed. Morale will be low and productivity down. That's when I'll remind them that this is just a stupid goddamn job and that we should just come in, do what we need to do to get through the day, and go home. Ironically, morale will go up and so will productivity. You may even get a raise!"
"Great!. Can you tell me what you think you biggest weakness is?"
"Yes."
"Okay.."
"Okay."
"Well what is it? Your greatest weakness."
"I would say my ability to swallow my pride and do a job like the one I'm interviewing for now. I wish I was more tenacious about following my dreams, but, alas, here I am."
"Right. Can you tell me about a workplace conflict you've had in the past and how you dealt with it?
"Yes."
"Okay..."
"Okay."
"Please tell me."
"Well, the guy in the cube next to me drove me fucking crazy. He made strange noises. He smelled. And he said the same thing to every person he talked to on the phone. I heard the same stories over and over, every day. So, whenever he wasn't around, I talked about him with my co-workers. We absolutely destroyed him, behind his back of course. That helped a lot. Sometimes we would e-mail each other jokes about him while he was sitting right there. Then we would all laugh and, when he would ask what we were laughing about, we'd make up something stupid. Then, because he didn't want to be left out, he would laugh, too! Then we'd all laugh harder! God that was great! And it did help deal with him; made him less annoying."
"Good. Tell me about a workplace conflict that you didn't handle well?"
"Boy. I, uh. Yeah, you got me there. I can't think of any."
"Fine. Where do you see yourself in five years?"
"Well, I had my last job for five years, so if I had to guess, I'd say I'll be interviewing for another job five years from now."
"Fair enough. Well, thanks for coming in, Tom. We'll be in touch real soon, okay?"
"Great."
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Name That Tune Answers
1. Bridge Over Troubled Water
2. Goodbye, Earl
3. If I had $1,000,000.
4. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
5. Pretty much any Beach Boys song not about surfing or girls or surfing girls
6. Damn near every song ever written
7. Jesus Take the Wheel, for example
8. Used to Love Her (would also accept damn near any song not included in #6)
9. Cecilia
10. Hey You
11. She Talks to Angels
12. My Sharona
13. Better Man
14. Suspicious Minds
15. Boy Named Sue
2. Goodbye, Earl
3. If I had $1,000,000.
4. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
5. Pretty much any Beach Boys song not about surfing or girls or surfing girls
6. Damn near every song ever written
7. Jesus Take the Wheel, for example
8. Used to Love Her (would also accept damn near any song not included in #6)
9. Cecilia
10. Hey You
11. She Talks to Angels
12. My Sharona
13. Better Man
14. Suspicious Minds
15. Boy Named Sue
Friday, May 7, 2010
More on Money and Happiness
This is a story about the best things in life happening by accident. But it also involves a pretty shocking outlay of money. One evening last fall, our neighbors asked us to watch their two girls, ages 8 and 11, for a couple hours. They and our daughter are friends and it was easy to say yes. I don't know what they started playing but eventually they began playing "dress up." They would go up to Isabella's room and get her dressed in her nicest clothes, including shoes and accessories. After each change, Isabella would come down the stairs, and be announced by one of the girls. My wife and I were sitting on the couch, in the living room, at the bottom of the stairs. The fireplace was on, candles flickered and glowed - the lighting, accidentally, was perfect for the occasion. You know that feeling you get when everything is perfect? I had that, and for more than just a moment. Happiness was washing over me, wave after wave. After they had spent Isabella's wardrobe, they decided to dance. The neighbors are pretty good on the piano, and they took turns on the baby grand behind us. So it ended up that Isabella and a neighbor girl were twirling around in front of the warm fire, in front of us, while another girl sat and
played perfectly imperfect behind us. Can you hear the music? The laughter? Can you feel that warm fire? I can still, these many months later. As I was sitting there that night, I was thinking about all the bullshit that I had been through that made that night possible. The shitty childhood which caused me to want a cliche for my children - a big house, a fireplace, a piano. The disastrous first marriage that caused me to get it perfect the second time. The miserable jobs that made our first house possible and then the second and made it possible for my wife to start her law practice which helped make this house possible. I realized that I had worked my whole life to put the pieces in place for this night to unfold. And all that was left was to sit there and let it happen. I traded who knows how much pain for that night. I can't even guess what that night cost, but it was worth much more.
Little Bella Was Blue
Litta Bella was blue;
she’d up and lost
her shoe.
And though she loved frogs,
and even more dogs,
she thought they hadn’t
a clue.
But then the frog said ribbet,
the dog arf, arf,
“your shoe is under
your scarf!”
Name That Tune
My wife says I have a knack for saying just about anything in 15 words or less. I thought I'd practice with the lyrics to some popular songs. Let's see if I could've saved everyone some time, and if you recognize them when I'm through with them.
1. If you're having a tough go of it, call me; I'll help you out.
2. That guy was a piece of shit and will not be missed.
3. I'd do some odd things if I had money. Take my word for it.
4. There are many ways to break-up with a mate. Many of them rhyme. Trust me.
5. I love my car. (Multiple answers will be accepted.)
6. I really love my mate. (Multiple answers.)
7. I love and trust God. (multiple answers)
8. I really hate my ex. (numbers 5,6,7 and 8 should take care of the Country genre.)
9. I should warn you - that woman is an absolute slut!
10. Psst. Help a brother out?
11. That woman is bat-shit crazy.
12. Even though you're underage, it seems like you're flirting. Let's get on with it.
13. I don't believe that you love that guy. He is an absolute douche bag.
14. If you're not going to trust me, I am out of here.
15. I now understand why my dad gave me this name, but I still hate it.
1. If you're having a tough go of it, call me; I'll help you out.
2. That guy was a piece of shit and will not be missed.
3. I'd do some odd things if I had money. Take my word for it.
4. There are many ways to break-up with a mate. Many of them rhyme. Trust me.
5. I love my car. (Multiple answers will be accepted.)
6. I really love my mate. (Multiple answers.)
7. I love and trust God. (multiple answers)
8. I really hate my ex. (numbers 5,6,7 and 8 should take care of the Country genre.)
9. I should warn you - that woman is an absolute slut!
10. Psst. Help a brother out?
11. That woman is bat-shit crazy.
12. Even though you're underage, it seems like you're flirting. Let's get on with it.
13. I don't believe that you love that guy. He is an absolute douche bag.
14. If you're not going to trust me, I am out of here.
15. I now understand why my dad gave me this name, but I still hate it.
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