My Dream Nightmare Interview

"Hi, Tom. Thanks for coming in today."

"You're welcome."

"Is is still raining out there?"

"Yes."

"Oh, man! I hope it stops soon. I'm in a golf league; supposed to play tonight."

"I don't give a shit."

"Do you golf?"

"You don't give a shit."

"Alright. Let's get started. Tell me what brings you in today."

"Well I need a job. Got bills to pay and I need health insurance. I looked through the paper and circled 15 ads that looked like they might not suck too bad. I don't know what my dream job is, but none of those was it. Still, I live in the real world and I know I've gotta work. Anyway, out of those 15, 10 didn't even call me back and I decided I was not desperate enough to do the other 4, so here I am."

"Great! What would you bring to this job? What are Tom Morgan's strengths?"

"First of all, I don't talk like a dipshit. That's number 1. Also, I don't take myself too seriously, which means that the next time you come up with a policy meant to bleed more blood from the turnips, I will be able to help you. You won't even know you need the help, because you'll think that the meeting in which you told the employees about the new policy was a success. You'll probably think that they bought what you were selling. You'll think that you had an answer for everything, that they really believed you were listening when you asked for suggestions and feedback and that your euphemisms fooled your employees into thinking this new policy was going to help them. But they will know the truth. Most of them don't say anything in meetings because they long ago learned it doesn't matter. But when they go back to their desks, they're going to be pretty pissed. Morale will be low and productivity down. That's when I'll remind them that this is just a stupid goddamn job and that we should just come in, do what we need to do to get through the day, and go home. Ironically, morale will go up and so will productivity. You may even get a raise!"

"Great!. Can you tell me what you think you biggest weakness is?"

"Yes."

"Okay.."

"Okay."

"Well what is it? Your greatest weakness."

"I would say my ability to swallow my pride and do a job like the one I'm interviewing for now. I wish I was more tenacious about following my dreams, but, alas, here I am."

"Right. Can you tell me about a workplace conflict you've had in the past and how you dealt with it?

"Yes."

"Okay..."

"Okay."

"Please tell me."

"Well, the guy in the cube next to me drove me fucking crazy. He made strange noises. He smelled. And he said the same thing to every person he talked to on the phone. I heard the same stories over and over, every day. So, whenever he wasn't around, I talked about him with my co-workers. We absolutely destroyed him, behind his back of course. That helped a lot. Sometimes we would e-mail each other jokes about him while he was sitting right there. Then we would all laugh and, when he would ask what we were laughing about, we'd make up something stupid. Then, because he didn't want to be left out, he would laugh, too! Then we'd all laugh harder! God that was great! And it did help deal with him; made him less annoying."

"Good. Tell me about a workplace conflict that you didn't handle well?"

"Boy. I, uh. Yeah, you got me there. I can't think of any."

"Fine. Where do you see yourself in five years?"

"Well, I had my last job for five years, so if I had to guess, I'd say I'll be interviewing for another job five years from now."

"Fair enough. Well, thanks for coming in, Tom. We'll be in touch real soon, okay?"

"Great."