Lately I've been thinking that my girlfriend dumped me. She got pretty pissed at me a couple weeks ago, and left my apartment screaming. She said she was "through" with my jealousy. I don't think I'm jealous. We've been together for three years and every time I see her kissing another guy it hurts a little less. I'm really trying to be more understanding, but, like I said, I think she's gone for good. I haven't heard from her in over two weeks, which is unusual. Should I call her?
Afraid to smother
Dear Afraid to smother,
Jesus Christ, dude! What a fucking douche! Go out right now and pick up a chick. Go back to your apartment and hit that shit, then get on with your life. Wait. Before you go out, don't forget to take off your diaper. Unbelievable, dude!
Last night, my wife caught me looking at a woman. She's been giving me the silent treatment ever since. We were stopped at a light, and the woman was on the back of the bike in front of us. Her ass was totally hanging out! Am I really supposed to not look?
Married, but not blind
Dear Married, but not blind,
Of course you're supposed to look. If your wife has a problem with that she could lose a few pounds and sit on your hood with her ass hanging out. She's not gonna, though, so don't worry. You should get sunglasses. That'll make your life easier, but you don't have to. Your Mrs. ain't going anywhere, no one else would screw her anyway, I bet. Set yourself up with a cooler and a couch in the garage. She'll settle down in a few days.
p.s. Thanks for telling me how you got your wife to give you the silent treatment. I'll be using that in a future advice column.