Big Boy

David Sedaris wrote this story better than I, or damn near anyone else, could ever hope to. "Big Boy" can also be found in his book, "Me Talk Pretty One Day", itself a must-read.  But I cannot let my experience pass without comment.

When I went to wash my hands in the one-person-at-a-time bathroom at Las Margaritas Mexican Restaurant in Hastings the door was locked.  I could hear that the occupant was washing his hands so I waited in the hallway just outside the door. When the teenaged kid who walked out of the bathroom saw me in the hall, he quickly looked down at the ground and walked by. This I chalked up to his age, for there is no shame in having just used a bathroom. That is unless you have just taken, in fact left, a huge shit in the toilet; one that would not flush and was now going to be discovered.  When I saw it I did give myself a second to chuckle at the poor kid's embarrassment but I pretty quickly got around to dreading my own potential problem. I remembered Sedaris' story, and I knew that I wasn't going to be flushing this thing down either. 

"What if someone is waiting in the hall when I leave? I think I'll say something like, 'Don't go in right away. Someone plugged the toilet. I'll tell somebody.'  No that will never play. Shit. SHIT. I guess I'll leave, just walk right the hell out to my car from where I'll call my wife and explain what happened."

And I think that is what I would have done had not the hallway been as empty as that kid's colon now is.