Some kid lost a helium balloon at the mall yesterday. We saw it pasted to the ceiling as we walked out. My wife, bless her heart, pointed it out to our four year-old.
“Daddy, why is that balloon on the ceiling?”
Sonofabitch. Here we go.
“I don’t know honey. I guess somebody lost it.”
“Who lost it?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why did someone lose that balloon?”
Deep breath, “Yes?”
“Whose name lost the balloon?”
“Why did Steve lose the balloon daddy?”
“Because a mongoose ran in front of him and he got scared and let go of the string.”
“He wasn’t brave?”
“No. Ol’ Steve spooks easily. He is not brave like you. Anyway, he was walking out, minding his own business, when this goldang mongoose ran out from under a car and scared him. So then ol’ Steve, he lets out a squeal and lets go of the balloon and jumps about 6 feet in the air. Now of course this scared the mongoose so he cut out of there like his life depended on it (and maybe it did. Would you have wanted Steve to land on you when he came back down? No you would not!) So anyway, the mongoose made it to safety under a delivery truck. But he didn’t like being even that exposed so he crawled up and held on to the bottom of the truck. Now the truck driver didn’t know any of this was going on. He was finishing a sandwich and listening to Katy Perry on the radio. When he was done eating, he took off- with the poor mongoose clinging to the bottom of his truck! I think they went to Florida, but I can’t be sure, of course.”
“What color hair did Steve have?”