Don't Piss Me Off

“I tell ya:  The boys over at DirecTV sometimes make it hard to do business with them.  Every time I call customer service, I want to strangle the person, and then poke him or her in the eyes.”    

“You should write a letter,” Stacy told me.

“Can’t. My days of writing letters of complaint are over. In fact, I’ve only written one.  I was eight years old when the Suits at CBS decided to play hardball with Bo and Luke. They brought in Coy and Vance, who were supposed to be cousins of Bo, Luke, Daisy, and each other. First of all, Coy and Vance were assholes. But I also had trouble buying more Duke cousins. I mean, really. You mean to tell me that Jesse had four nephews and one niece, none of whom were siblings, who didn’t have anywhere else to go?  Sorry. That means that he had at least five siblings who had one child he/she couldn’t take care of. Anyway, I was not happy about it, so my mom finally put me in front of a sheet of paper and told me to write a letter to CBS. I went after them pretty hard, as I recall; I told them they were dumb and so were Coy and Vance.  I don’t remember specifics, but whatever I wrote worked, because Bo and Luke were back before that season was over. I was glad, but it was always in the back of my mind that Coy and Vance were out there somewhere, licking their chops, waiting for a chance to go back to the farm and freeload off of poor Uncle Jesse. Even with Bo and Luke back, the show never really recovered. But I don’t think I could ever hope to top the success I had with that letter, so I retired. Unbeaten. Me 1, stupid suits 0. ”