Saturday, August 21, 2010

Dear Smitty

ed. note: The following is an actual letter. This may be the end of Dear Smitty

Dear Smitty,

For about a month, my wife had been nagging me to visit the blog of this wonderful writer "friend" of hers. I was promised to find it entertaining, humorous and well worth my time. Tired of being pestered I finally gave in and decided to check this blog out. Well, after reading numerous mind-numbing entries, lacking any flair or offering even a hint of humor, I'd decided I had enough of this tomfoolery. I have since reached the conclusion that my wife is either having an affair with this Lyttonous fellow or he has some real dirt on her and is blackmailing her into promoting his blog. So, do you think my wife is having a romantic relationship with this hack or is she in need of rescue from his threatening ways. Whatever your answer, I know I will need to beat the living #@!&*$ out of him.

-Suspicious Mind
Dear Suspicious Mind,
You have put Smitty in an awkward position here. When I read your letter, my first impression was that you were talking about me. And if you were, I would have to admit that it is possible, and even probable, that I have had sex with your wife.  And to be honest, Smitty is not a fighter, so that wouldn't have ended well for me. But then I read your letter again and was relieved to find that you had found the blog you were reading, "mind-numbing..., lacking any flair or offering even a hint of humor." Dear Smitty is nothing if not mind-blowing and full of flair. Still, I think I know the fellow whose blog you were not a fan of. I am no great fan either. And I promise you this:  He is full of shit.  There is no way he is sleeping with your wife. He is ugly, fat and completly lacking in the charm one would need to overcome those glaring handicaps. So it is blackmail, there can be no other explanation. Take it easy on him.
p.s. Thank you for your letter, which was better than anything I or Tom have written in a long time.

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